寶貝，我的精神導師 Mindful Parenting

你是否在抱怨，因為每晚給孩子講故事，而沒有更多的時間將肩倒立做得再漂亮一些，其實，當一個人有了孩子之後，就沒有比做好父母更重要的精神修行了。
有人說，撫養孩子雖然很辛苦，但讓人開心。也有人說，撫養孩子是一件危險的事情，因為結果無法預知，充滿變數和險情。不管怎麼說，為人父母絕不僅僅是看著幼兒每天長胖長高這麼簡單。也許，你正發現自己面對帶孩子和瑜伽之間的衝突，好比魚而熊掌不能兼得。但你可能沒有意識到的是，你已陷入將為人父母與瑜伽分裂成兩件事的煩惱。
溫柔而神聖的"儀式"
Haji和Jasmin Shearer是對瑜伽伴侶，住在麻塞諸塞州，有個8歲的兒子和5歲的女兒。從1985年開始，這對伴侶就一直堅持哈他瑜伽的習練，每天早上或晚上，都會留出時間冥想，忙得實在脫不開身時，也會隨機應變，比如在臨睡前練練挺屍式，排隊等候時練練山式。對於這一四口之家來說，瑜伽已經不再是有意為之的必修功課，而是變成了日常生活自然而然的一部分。
"平和"是這個家庭的常用詞，就像Haji代表全家四人所言："我們有一個共同的理想——平和是可能實現的。"要是他們碰巧不在家，你會聽到很特別的留言電話："只要你能想到，每一刻都是一個奇跡，謝謝致電，我們將儘快給您回電，平和與您同在！"
聽Jasmin談到全家人每天晚餐前唱梵文祈禱歌（bhajans）的固定節目，聽她娓娓敍說全家人臨睡前的儀式時，你會情不自禁地想起自己的孩提時代：蓋著柔軟舒適的被子，眼睛睜得大大的，聽著神秘旋律的古老音樂，還有母親甜美的聲音。"孩子們輪流挑選歌曲，這種方式把全家人的能量很好地聚合在一起。此時，每個人的感覺都格外放鬆。"
Bo Lozoff和妻子Sita也是一對瑜伽伴侶，曾在北卡諾萊州的Durham附近發起過一個著名的幫助囚犯的活動，他們在獄中教冥想，與他們懇談，通過書信往來提供建議。Bo Lozoff認為，與孩子們一起每天例行的儀式是名副其實的家庭修行。他目前正著手寫一本關於每日精神修行的書——《有意義的生活：日常修行》（《A Meaningful Life: It Just Takes Practice》）。從兒子4歲時開始，Bo就每天在兒子醒後為他朗讀印度最著名的兩大史詩《羅摩衍那》（(Ramayana）和《摩訶婆羅多》（Mahabharata），以此迎接新的一天。Bo說，這樣的"家庭功課"會使孩子有足夠的時間去思考和理解故事。
在Bo家裏，看電視也是一件嚴肅認真的事情。兒子滿5歲後，全家達成一致，有三人都喜歡看的節目時才打開電視。Bo說："看電視對我們來說，是一種有意識的選擇，而不是因為無聊才去看的。如果家裏有孩子喜歡看的節目，對大人來說，這就成為審視自身的一個良機。"
Bo也從不忽視睡前哄孩子入眠的時光。兒子小的時候，睡前給他唱過各種各樣的歌，從最愛的民謠，到流行歌：Mr. Bojangles、Sweet Baby James、Bob Dylan的 Forever Young……BO至今耳熟能詳。他說："影響孩子的關鍵是以一種溫柔而神聖的時刻開始和結束每一天，這就好像與孩子一起定期進行瑜伽體式的習練和冥想，有助於凝聚家庭核心力，並使孩子養成井井有條的生活習慣。要知道，讓完整的週期變成一件天衣無縫，自然而然的事情，是需要誠意和堅持的。想要不花時間而敷衍這樣的時刻，結果不會是你所期待的。"
全神貫注於每一件小事
Marcia Miller一直在俄亥俄州的Columbus市區教整體瑜伽(Integral Yoga)。去年夏天，她在內部季刊上向學生宣佈："以後，我將減少部分課程，以便留出更多時間洗衣服、料理家務，照顧幼兒。雖然大家普遍認為零星小事沒那麼重要，但所有的大事都是由細節組成的，沒有了零星小事，任何大事也就失去了它的意義。"Marcia的觀點是卡瑪瑜伽（karma yoga）教義的邏輯延伸，即全神貫注地投入到我們所做的每一件事當中。
"當你疊衣服時，其實就是在完成一項任務，因為此刻你正在家裏營造和諧、整潔和秩序感。能不能在清晨第一時間找到自己的內衣，對家庭感情生活的影響看上去很微小，但往往結的果卻是巨大的。"
"在家陪孩子時，我敢保證他們根本不在乎我能不能做10個漂亮的後彎，只在乎我的身體和情感跟他們在一起，可以聽他們講話，擦去他們臉上的眼淚，臨睡前給他們講故事，隨時安排好家庭生活，給他們一個安全的環境。"
Marcia在季刊裏不多的幾段感言，收到的正面回饋之多，遠遠超過了她以往所寫的文字。作為母親，Marcia的淡定讓她看上去比一般母親放鬆許多。雖然孩子們不在乎媽咪的後彎做得是不是完美，不可否認的是，每天清晨的瑜伽習練給了Marcia處亂不驚的平和氣質。但同時要認清的一個事實是，平和的心境絕不僅僅是瑜伽體式的功勞。
作為父母，都有這樣的體會，日常生活就是由洗衣服等瑣碎的日常小事，以及每天臨睡前的親吻和搖籃曲這類溫柔而神聖的儀式感所組合的。對有些家長而言，在家常瑣事和神聖的儀式感之間協調不是什麼難事，最大的挑戰倒是處理好帶孩子和瑜伽修行之間的衝突。這是為人父母普遍面對的困境，還是個別人的過份焦慮？對此，精神境界不同的父母自然會有不一樣的回答。
Marcia的一名學生已是兩個孩子的媽媽，有一天，突然決定退學一學期，理由非常簡單：她不願錯過孩子睡覺前的寶貴時光。"多麼完美的卡瑪瑜伽心態！從另一種意義來說，她的選擇體現了真正的瑜伽精神。我鼓勵她，陪孩子睡覺比做肩倒立重要得多！"
Bo Lozoff 也持有相似的看法："當一個人有了孩子之後，就沒有比做好父母更重要的精神修行了。如果你還認為修行只能與別的成年人一起才能完成，那麼，早晚你會意認到，這種觀點需要重新思考。無疑，這是一個錯誤的分別，只有偏執的人才會說些什麼不得不為了孩子而犧牲了時間，等等。總之，要點就是把自己的事跟孩子對立起來談論。"
孩子也是精神導師
你有沒有意識到，當孩子看見父母練習瑜伽體式，或是聽見他們在用《瑜伽經》中的指導來談論生活原則中的"可以"或"不可以"時，這些看似平常的情節可能成為孩子們"生活工具"的一部分。
有一次，Jasmin對我說："腹式深呼吸對管教孩子很有用，當我心裏不安時，會坐下來，深呼吸，心裏默念一句頌語。當孩子們鬧得過火，快要失控時，我也會叫他們坐下來做深呼吸。"Jasmin承認，孩子做出的反應各不相同，但她相信，他們在某種程度上領會了她的核心技巧。有一次，她偶然聽見她家兩個寶貝女兒正在對別的小朋友們說："來來來，坐下，深呼吸！"
當孩子把核心技巧也用在成人身上時，說明他們已經能夠很好地理解這種技巧的力量。對此，Haji深有體會："我跟Jasmin因意見不同發生爭執時，兒子就會嚷嚷，爸爸，您應該對媽媽好一點。聽到兒子這樣說，我就會停下來，意識到他是在提醒我遵守我們的生活原則。儘管對兒子來說，我是他的好榜樣，但好榜樣並不意味著永遠正確，而意味著誰願意去遵從正確的，我們當中哪一個願意放下自尊，承認錯誤。如果以為大人是全家唯一的師長，以為大人知道所有問題的答案，那無疑是不折不扣的年齡岐視。"
對此，在加利福尼亞執教的瑜伽教練Robin Gueth也深有同感："孩子就是我們的精神導師，他們完全可能決定我們的將來會怎麼樣。" 從女兒5年前出生起，Robin Gueth已經意識到這一點了。就在最近，女兒還教給媽媽一種減輕心情壓抑的辦法。
"我帶著女兒去拜訪一位朋友，不巧，朋友和我因為一件事情爭執不休，越演越烈。一氣之下，我帶著女兒一走了之。回家的路上，我一邊開車一邊痛哭，眼淚裏邊，一半是委屈，一半是悔意。哭著哭著，突然意識到女兒還從未見過媽媽流眼淚，很擔心她無法接受。出乎意料的是，她平靜地看著我說，媽媽，您知道嗎，我想念某個人時，會像野狼一樣號啕大哭。"大哭絕對不是經得起時間考驗的精神傳統，但總能引起共鳴。於是，Robin和女兒一起使勁兒大哭，直到眼淚盡消。
沒有依戀的愛
冥想的時候，老師通常會告訴我們，任由起心念來去，不要加任何判斷，也不用躲避。
然而，很多時候，明白和做到是兩回事。對父母而言，還有什麼比面對失去孩子更令人恐懼的？我問過身邊一些為人父母的瑜友，每個人或多或少都會擔心孩子因疾病或死亡離開自己，只是困擾程度不同而已。但是對Marcia Miller和丈夫來說，這還不僅僅是恐懼中的精神考驗。兒子出生前的6、7年，Marcia曾生過一個女兒，3天就夭折了。1年後，第二個女兒出生，可惜只活了短短3個月，兩個女兒都因為先天性心臟缺陷早夭。
"每次失去繈褓中的嬰兒，我都覺得自己好像跟整個世界失去了聯繫。" Marcia和丈夫都是整體瑜伽教練。孩子的兩次死亡考驗著他們對世界的理解，包括瑜伽經驗。"眼睜睜地看著孩子的靈魂離開身體，對我和丈夫來說，這是很大的對於依戀的教訓。經過那些折磨人的痛苦，我和瑜伽的聯繫轉向一種更深的方式。雖然從生理和心理上來說，依戀孩子合情合理，但這種依戀會帶來痛苦。
《瑜伽經》告訴我們：越是我們抗拒的東西，比如失去親人，越容易帶來痛苦。因此，我們必須學會沒有依戀的愛。"
"在經歷那兩次痛苦之前，我的想法過於簡單，現在回頭想想還覺得不好意思。我以為，只要人們修習瑜伽，生活便會圓滿。但我沒有理解到，這裏的圓滿並不表明凡事都以順境的形式出現。外在地看，所愛的人依然會逝去，會讓我們失落。內在地看，瑜伽賦予我們力量，幫助我們面對無數的變故和痛苦，這就是生活的本質。"
有些父母會覺得，對孩子保持沒有依戀的愛是不可能的，好像一個疼得無法做下去的拉伸體式。但是，如果說瑜伽教會我們一些東西，那就是絕不能低估自身的能力，不僅僅是肌肉拉伸的能力，還有內心擔當一切變故的力量。所以，因為太愛孩子，成為一門心思撲在孩子身上的"忘我"式父母是正常的，甚至是容易的。而把為人父母這一角色演得出神入化，又能無所依戀，好像隨時從戲中跳出來，卻不是一件容易事，它考驗你的不是演技，而是內心深沉的愛和定力。

作者簡介：
Stephanie Renfrow Hamilton，三個孩子的母親，編著有《Parenting》、《 Essence》和《McCall's》，也是1999年出版的《The Whole Parenting Guide》作者之一。
文章引用自：
http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_47598e5a010095ko.html

Somewhere between the lullabies and your child's first driving lesson, parenting becomes your spiritual practice.
By Stephanie Renfrow Hamilton
It's tempting to wax romantic when I think of my earliest days practicing yoga in the verdant hills of St. Croix. But the fact is, I would have done anything just to get out of the house.
My husband and I were living in the U.S. Virgin Islands and I had just given birth to our second child in two years. Tulani was a peaceful baby girl, serene with a mischievous streak (she'd nip me while nursing, then giggle impishly). But she arrived so soon after Malcolm, a sweet, active boy who, when he was just three days old and snuggled at my shoulder, placed his fingers on my neck and pulled me in. This is what it's all about, I remember thinking. An infant's arm around a mother's neck completes the circle. In time, though, a daunting feeling overtook me, and it wasn't so soft around the edges; it was the fear of botching things, the nagging suspicion that I was not equal to the task of parenting. And so another impulse crept in: Run, head for the hills. That running away meant taking outdoor hatha yoga classes on a hilltop in the Caribbean.
As fate would have it, I did what a lot of new parents who haven't quite settled into their roles do: I renewed my interest in spiritual pursuits. My efforts were piecemeal, to be sure, and they were more solitary (yoga and meditation) than congregational (church of any kind was a seasonal event). But over time, I did become more conscious of the ways in which yoga might carry over at home. And I began to wonder how other parents were putting yogic principles to good use in their homes.
Across the country, I spoke to a range of mothers and fathers practicing yoga or meditation or both, who expressed various levels of commitment to their practice. Some have trekked to ashrams here and in India, kids in tow; others have embarked on their inner journeys without ever leaving home. Although many have experienced deep states of meditation, they vary in their success at bringing such peaceful states to their childrearing. None of them ever pushed the practice on their children, but rather let it influence them by example and by discussion.
Not all of these parents could point to proof that their practice had transformed their lives. But many spoke of the increased energy levels they enjoyed, the heightened awareness of the moment-to-moment experiences of daily life, and the greater empathy they felt for their children. It was as if these moms and dads were saying to their young, the divinity in me salutes the divinity in you. Namaste in action.
Many spoke of coming to terms with the constant juggling of doing both their yoga and the dishes with reasonable regularity, placing neither their practice nor their children first, but recognizing that, somewhere along their spiritual paths, their parenting had become their practice. The same mindfulness that goes into preparing the body for meditation through yoga, for instance, can be brought to bear when cooking dinner, tucking in bed sheets, or changing diapers.
These were decent, earnest stories these parents were offering, at turns, gritty and inspiring. So heartening were their lessons, in fact, that my usual tendency to bemoan my own lack of progress seemed pointless. For, in listening to their struggles, their humor, their stark reflections, in sensing their capacity for generosity and growth, I somehow sensed my own.
The trick is to stay in that recognition of mutual divinity, to stay in namaste during all our dealings, especially those involving our children. For, in our impatience with our kids, we sometimes forget our shared connection to the infinite. And in our fear of losing our childreno independence, peer pressure, death, disorder, or despaire may hold onto them too tightly. At times the childrearing path seems impossibly narrow. That is, until we actually walk it and experience just how vast it is.
Ritual & Routine
It's no mystery that practicing some form of yoga or meditation with some regularity can nurture a sense of security and order in kids' lives. Haji and Jasmin Shearer are a young, soft-spoken couple living in Dorchester, Massachusetts, raising a son, Patanjali, age 8, and a daughter, Sakeena, age 5. Both have had some success getting their practices down to a routine, dedicating either mornings or evenings to sitting meditation. Fitting in time for yogaoth of them have practiced hatha yoga since 1985akes a bit more maneuvering. Sometimes it doesn't happen at all, save for the occasional Savasana before bedtime or Tadasana while waiting in line.
As a couple, they speak often of peace. Sometimes it's direct, like when Haji, speaking for the four of them, says, "All of us have this ideal that peace is possible." Or when you can't catch them home and their voice mail kicks in: "If you think about it, every moment is a miracle. Thanks for participating in ours. We'll call you back. Peace." And sometimes it's indirect, as when Jasmin talks about the family singing nightly bhajans (Sanskrit songs of devotion) before tucking in the kids. Her account of these bedtime rituals takes you right back into childhood, under the covers, listening in wide-eyed awe to ancient melodies rendered that much sweeter by the voices of people you love. "The children take turns picking the songs, and it's a good way to pull our energies together," she says. "It feels so relaxing it's hard to leave them and go do what I have to do for the evening."
These kinds of nesting rituals are your "family practice," says Bo Lozoff, who along with his wife, Sita, launched the renowned Prison Ashram Project near Durham, North Carolina. He is currently working on a book about everyday spirituality called A Meaningful Life: It Just Takes Practice, so his memories of morning family sessions with their now-grown son, Josh, are not far from the surface. From the time Josh was 4, Bo would pull up his recliner and read to him from the Ramayana or the Mahabharata. He'd start the day in this way at a leisurely pace, allowing time for the stories to be understood at a deep level.
Even watching television was a mindful act in the Lozoff household. After Josh turned 5, the Lozoffs agreed to turn on the television only as long as they watched shows all three of them liked. "Viewing was a conscious choice for us," says Bo, "not something we did because we were bored. When there is a child in your home who loves watching these programs, it just becomes a part of your practice."
Bedtime had a sense of purpose as well. Bo remembers singing to Josh from his cache of personal favorites, folk and pop songs like "Mr. Bojangles," "Sweet Baby James," and Bob Dylan's "Forever Young." The point, he says, was to begin and end each day with a tender, sacred moment so that it turned full circle into one seamless event. He adds, "There is no way to replace such times with things that don't take as much time."
Being Here Nowven During Chores
Last summer, Marcia Miller, who teaches Integral yoga in downtown Columbus, Ohio, made an announcement to her students in one of her quarterly newsletters. She had to cut back on some of her classes so that she could have more time to do the laundry, she wrote. This chore was a metaphor for all the little things we do that we think are "less important," she explained.
Her point was a logical extension of her karma yoga teachings, suggesting that everything we do is worthy of our full attention. "If, when you're folding clothes, you're really there for the task, you're creating harmony and a sense of order in the home," she tells me by phone. "There's a huge difference in the emotional life of your family if you can find your underwear in the morning."
Marcia says she's received more positive feedback about those few paragraphs in her newsletter than anything she'd ever written. "When I am home with my children, I assure you that they do not care if I can do 10 deep backbends in a row. They do care that I am present both physically and emotionally to create a safe place where their needs get met," she reflects. Those needs include enjoying a mom who is calm and loving, who can organize the household decently and sing them their lullabies at night. The loving calmness that her boys value so much, she points out, gets cultivated during her morning asanas. "In essence, daily life is a mixture of the simple (laundry) and the sublime (bedtime kisses and songs), and the practice of yoga can help with both."
For some parents, the struggle has less to do with interweaving the simple with the sublime than with finding time to juggle the parenting and the practice. Is this a true dilemma or is it more likely the agitated worries of a divided mind? Even moms and dads quite far along in their spiritual development have different ways of answering that. But many paths lead to this simple truth: As long as we carry on our child-rearing with love, respect, and our full attention, our needs to be good parents and our needs to practice are being met. Marcia, for instance, recalls the time when one of her students, a mother with two young children, told her that she would have to drop class for a semester because she didn't want to miss her kids' bedtimes too many times a week.
What a perfect karma yoga posture, Marcia remembers thinking. "She was doing absolutely perfect yoga by not coming to class. I told her, 'It's more important to put your kids to bed than it is to do headstands.'"
Bo Lozoff offers a similar point of view. "When you have children, there is no more important spiritual practice than being a parent." The notion that our practice is something that we only do with other adults needs rethinking. It's a false distinction, he says, adding: "Only a paranoid culture would make us keep such a ledger or speak about having to give to our kids and take for ourselves separately."
Tough Love
When little ones see their parents practicing asanas or hear them speak about niyamas and yamas (the do's and don'ts of living offered by the Yoga Sutra) as they do in the Shearer household, chances are that solid, simple, nonviolent messages become part of a trove of tools for living. I asked Haji and Jasmin on separate occasions how their yoga practice affects their disciplining the children, especially in a world where spanking is the norm. Taking away privileges and "treasured items" and time-outs are definitely part of the package, says Haji.
But hatha yoga or focused breathing also gets harnessed into their family life. "When I get upset, I just sit down and breathe and repeat a mantra to myself," says Jasmin. Similarly, when the kids "start getting off balance," she says, "I'll tell them 'come into yourself' and I might have them go sit down and breathe." Jasmin admits that the kids' responses vary, but she believes they are "getting" her centering tactics on some level: She's overheard both Patanjali and Sakeena tell their friends, "Sit down and breathe."
Children can better understand the power of such centering devices when they can deploy them on adults too. "Sometimes when I'm disagreeing with Jasmin, Patanjali will tell me 'Dad, You need to be nicer to Mom,'" Haji says, "and I'll stop and realize that he's reminding me to hold fast to our principles."
To have an 8-year-old show you or tell you that you're wrong is great yoga training, Haji adds, with a hint of amusement. After all, good role modeling is not about being right all the time. "It's about asking who's going to go for the highest goodhich one of us is willing to get up off of our ego," he says. "To think that we adults are the only teachers in the house or that we always have all the answers is the height of ageism."
Children as Gurus
Our children are perfectly capable of showing us who we should be fact Robin Gueth, who teaches at the Yoga Source in San Anselmo, California, has realized repeatedly since her daughter Katharina was born five years ago. Just recently, Katharina offered her mom a way to ease her own adult emotional pain. "We were visiting a friend of mine, when this friend and I had a tough argument. So I took Katharina and left. Driving back in the car, I burst into tears," Robin recalls. "Then I realized that Katharina had never seen her mother cry, and I started to worry how she would take it. But I'll never forget the way she looked up at me and said 'You know what, when I miss somebody, I howl like a coyote.'" It wasn't exactly a time-honored spiritual tradition, this canine hue and cry, but it resonated all the same. Says Robin, "We howled and howled like coyotes until it rattled all the way down to our hearts."
Loving without Attachment
When we meditate, we're taught to see our thoughts drift by, without judging or harboring. Certain thoughts, however, don't waft so well. For parents, in fact, no thought is quite as primal and terrifying as the fear of losing a child. I suspect many of us have fretted privately, with varying degrees of obsession, about losing our children to illness or death. But for Marcia Miller and her husband Roland, this fear was no mere mental exercise in terror. Six or seven years before their sons were born, Marcia gave birth to a daughter who lived only three days. A year later, another daughter was born; she lived three months. Both infants had heart defects. With each death, Marcia remembers, she felt herself "lose connection with that universal spirit." In time, that excruciating pain, that utter bafflement at life's random cruelty, passed, making way for what she says was a much deeper connection to spirit.
Both Marcia and her husband were practicing and teaching Integral yoga (which includes hatha, karma, and bhakti yoga), but coping with these deaths challenged everything they thought they knew about the world, including their experience with yoga.
"It was a huge lesson in attachment. It reoriented my relationship with yoga in a deeper, more realistic way," says Marcia. "Even though it's biologically and emotionally reasonable for us to be attached to our children, it's an attachment that creates pain.
The Sutra says that anything we resistike losing somebodyreates pain. We had to learn to experience love without attachment."
For Marcia and Roland, "watching [their] child's spirit leave the body" was the ultimate unselfish act. "It teaches you about the deepest kind of love," she says. "I'm embarrassed at how simplistic I was before I experienced that loss. I thought if people just did yoga everything would be all right. And that's true, but not outwardlyutwardly, the people we love are still going to die or disappoint us in some way. But inwardly, yoga gives us tools to help us live with the changes and pain that are an intrinsic part of life."
Some parents may find this particular kind of unconditional love an impossible stretch, like an asana that hurts too much to execute. Mercifully, many will never have to face what Marcia and Roland did. But if yoga and meditation teach us anything, it is that we must never underestimate our capacity to expand, to take on more, body, mind, and soul. This marvelous, enabling potential of yoga seems at the very heart of Marcia's point.
As parents, we'll always be faced with the dual task of nurturing and teaching our young even as we carry on our own inner work. If we're wise, we'll undertake these tasks simultaneously, letting both assignments inform who we are and who we'll become, without letting one take precedence over the other. After all, the goal in both instancesaising our children and raising ourselvess to cultivate fully realized human beings.
With our loving guidance, our children will grow up ready and willing to do good works and to commit to some sort of body, mind, and soul work of their own. It helps, then, if we look at our parenting as something we'll be doing over the long haul. "We need to see our children as people we will want to be involved with all our lives," says Bo Lozoff. One of the great tragedies of our culture is that our kids go off and leave us when they grow up, he points out. And that's a shame, because being involved with your adult kids, he says, "can be just as important and rich and beautiful and juicy as being with them when they are small."
Stephanie Renfrow Hamilton, mother of three, has written and edited for Parenting, Essence, and McCall's.She is a coauthor of The Whole Parenting Guide (Broadway Books, 1999).
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